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My Essence: Illumination. Love. Creation. Joy. Play. Earth
I don’t know how you are being right now, but I was so sick and tired of being unhappy being me. Sure, I looked “fine” on the outside, but inside I was barely able to catch a breath with ease. I continually doubted myself, questioned my decisions, felt very alone, even when I surrounded myself with people.
I would read inspirational and motivational books relentlessly and feel great, for a couple days or hours sometimes. I truly believed something must be wrong with me. I didn’t let on that I felt this way; instead, I would pretend “I’m Fine”, put on a smile, and keep going. Like most people, I wanted to figure out what’s “wrong” with me. I wanted someone to fix me or someone please desperately save me.
In reality, we don’t need to be saved. There’s nothing wrong with you, or me, or anyone (even the humans who are really irritating to us). All of us are just scared. Scared of being rejected, of looking stupid, of being called selfish, of failure, of success (yes even scared of being successful), not being “good enough”, smart enough…you get the picture.
I finally figured it out. Fear was the culprit and I, unknowingly, had let this fear of judgement, shame, and guilt run my life. My fears didn’t start when I found myself living in a barn at around age ten, or any other traumatic event that occurred, though the events didn’t help. My fears, just like yours, started before I had any conscious memories. Our fears develop because we want to be safe, protected, and comfortable. I know now that our addiction to comfort, safety, and protection will lead us to a "train wreck", "hot mess", unfulfilling, unhappy life.
Most people assume that because I experienced much tragedy and turmoil, my life is somehow different. It isn’t. We’re all the same inside. HUMAN! We all want to be loved, and happy, and free. I wanted that too, and I just didn’t think I deserved it. I mean, come on. How could I be happy when I was living in a barn at ten?
I believed that I had to be “fine” to be a good daughter/ sister/ friend, and I sacrificed my joy to prove to my parents, my siblings, my friends, and later coworkers, EVERYONE that I can go without! “Others have it worse, there's families with no food, no roof over their head”. At the time, I was afraid to be thought of as a loser, trailer trash, poor, or less than. Years later, my senior year in high school, I painted my past to be a story of triumph and inspiration for speech class. Boy did it move the room and oh boy did I like the feeling of the sadness poured out for me. During our time in the barn, I would run from the house on the property to the school bus in the morning. I did not want to feel embarrassed coming out of the barn. I would pretend it never happened or that it was a beautiful story and not the shitty real one. But…It was shitty to me, I wanted my bedroom back, I wanted my mom to stop looking so sad, I wanted my dad to know that he was doing a good job no matter what, it was shitty to me.
Protecting my father and my mother from anyone knowing of their rough time pretty much sealed my victim status for life; at least that’s what I thought. I was afraid others would see where we lived and "tell" on my parents, then we would be taken away because I think we are supposed to be in a home, so I was always “fine”. Fear of judgement convinced me that I had to hide my true self, because I was absolutely sure that I wasn’t worth much. This is just one story I've created from, I had been doing the thing I know to do for all my 29 years before I started to grow in self love.
Overcoming My Fear! I developed and evolved in SELF because I had no choice. I tried suicide two times before I realized I was not “good” at that either. I tried numbing my embarrassment with booze, anti-depressants, and pain killers.
Turns out that all those dependencies can actually make you do some pretty embarrassing, and self-sabotaging things, so I gave that up after 8 months of self-hate at its full potential. I finally realized that the only option I had left was to figure out how to be happy just BEING ME. But I sure was in for a ride.
It wasn’t an easy decision or one I made quickly. I’m sure you’ve wanted to change or improve aspects of your life for years, but you’ve been too busy, or the timing didn’t seem right, or you didn’t think you were worth it, or you just don’t have that kind of luck, or you’ll probably just fail. I know, I was there and I’ve been back there to visit too. But those are all lies that your fears whisper in your ear to keep you safe. Don’t listen, those thoughts have no helpful information for you.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I figured out the fear thing, and now I’m not only happy to be alive, I am actually happy to be ME, to be a HUMAN BEING not just a human doing hehe. I am so passionate about YOU living the same for YOU. We ALL can SHINE, be excited to wake up in your life every day. If you want that too, let’s go on this journey together! I've got you
With ALL my Being,